Over the past couple weeks, I have been stressed to say the least.

Being unemployed means watching every penny very very carefully, and moving house makes it all that much more important.

I sold my wedding rings to go and see Hull City move into the Premier League, and it was worth every penny. The entire trip was amazing, and seeing so many people united throughout the city has been a truly spectacular thing.

Last week, I had my debit card stolen, and some chavvy fucker thought it would be cool to go on an internet shopping spree. He even had the cheek to tell the shops that he was my son, and was being sent to Iraq the following week with the military, and everything must be shipped quickly. The idiot had everything sent to his home address, and even ordered Sky Satellite tv and paid his phone and internet bill using my card. After a few phone calls, it’s pretty certain that not only were these things cut off, he won’t be able to get internet again because he used their lines to commit crimes, and seeing as we only have one internet company here, he’s screwed himself.

The good news is that I will get my money back and he will get criminally charged (made another statement at the police department today) but the bad news is that it will take at least 2 weeks to get my money back - money that I need to pay bills and buy food.

Luckily my new landlord has been very understanding, and my mates have tried to help as much as they can. My mom loaned me the money for the deposit on my new place. Louise is even helping me move to make sure that I am okay - what an angel. Paddy has been kind enough to send me some cash as a birthday preset, and I cannot thank him enough. The Mr’s brother is helping me move so I don’t have to pay for a van, and the Mr himself has been very supportive throughout all of this.

It’s hard times like these that make you really see how wonderful people can be, and how much emphasis we put on shit that just doesn’t matter. I tell ya, I have become a much more frugal shopper!

I have had a very hard time sleeping, and have resulted in taking diazepam (valium) at night, but it only seems to work for a few hours, and once its worn off, I am up and alert all over again (it is helping me with the anxiety, so I will discuss this with my doctor as well). Tonight I intend on trying wine instead.

I plan on seeing my doc next week to see what she can offer me because 2-3 hours of sleep, if I am lucky, a night is screwing up my life. I am weary about Ambien, especially after my mum’s sleep eating and hallucinations while taking it, but would love to hear any of your experiences with sleeping medications and aids.

On the plus side, I have a couple of interviews next week and some potential temporary work. I know it may not be ideal, but I have bills to pay, and am not above doing administrative or accounting or even bar work to get by.

I happen to have a very nasty headache at the moment, which seems to have been triggered by some cheap chocolate. I don’t know if it is because my body doesn’t do sugar too well since my gastric bypass, or if it is just the small amount of cheap chocolate, but I have no intention of repeating this.

The jury is still out on chocolate. Is it evil for migraine sufferers or not?

My ADHD symptoms are really bad at the moment, and I am trying to make sure I take my Concerta first thing in the morning - otherwise I spend the days on tangent after tangent, which isn’t healthy for me or those around me. I keep getting these stupid obsessive thoughts which just make me more stressed, and I need to just let some of this shit go.
I am not the easiest person to live with at the best of times, and I can imagine that the Mr is at his wit’s end.

I continue to lose weight, and hope to buy some more clothes that fit once I am working again - gonna hit the charity shops and will hopefully get some funky finds!

Oh yeah, I had a birthday this week - the big 33. How are you supposed to celebrate these things as you get older? Am I supposed to have a party, barbeque, dinner, drinks, or what?

I would settle for a good night’s sleep…

Some of you may know that I LOVE the film Fight Club, and it really excited me to see a post about a real-life fight club today…

A number of shirtless, scraped-up men paced the perimeter of the circle, alternately refereeing and answering questions. The rules were simple: find a partner, get in the ring. No face shots, tapping out ends the fight. No settling scores, just fighting for the fun of fighting. No experience or discernible skill required.

Click here to read the full story complete with videos and photos…

Lately, it seems that I can handle very little stress.

I’m conscious I’m a bit of an irritable old cow right now, and I am not very happy about it.

I am overdue for my B12 injections, and I am positive that this is a major contributing factor on my mood.

I have experienced fatigued like I have never felt before, as well as numerous nasty headaches.

I am so bloody irritable. Very small things can make me snap completely, and this is very hard to handle for the people around me.

Irritability:

For outsiders it’s very hard to understand why I am irritable. Some people perceive me as short tempered and even aggressive when I am like this.

In reality I am very emotional and far from aggressive. So why does this change when I am stressed? Do I change?

I give several side effects below and explain them:

• Insomnia: lack of sleep
• Feeling useless
• Concentration problems
• Not able to have fun

Insomnia: lack of sleep

Often in a stressed or ADHD episode I either sleep a lot (sometimes 18 hours a day), or I have catnaps followed by several hours of walking around like a zombie. It’s easy to understand that not resting well causes irritation. Imagine getting ice cold water over yourself in the middle of the night. Are you an aggressive person? Or just not amused, and expressing that in an “exaggerated” way?

When I am stressed I often feel tired, not having any energy. Not being able to sleep well adds severely to this problem, and feeds the depression. Forcing a sleep pattern, in my experience, doesn’t work. Staying awake when I feel tired exhausts me so much that I can’t sleep when I am “allowed” to. And trying to fall asleep when I have been awake for just a few hours doesn’t work either; I keep turning from left to right, and moreover keep my partner awake, and disrupt his sleep. This might result in two grumpy people in the morning.

One reason it’s often hard for me to sleep is that due to lack of energy and depression during the day I can only do a few things. A thing that is often hard to understand for outsiders is that my overall feeling somehow improves at the end of the day. So when other people start calling it a day, I start feeling slightly better. And when other people go to bed, my mind starts to work in overdrive: I suddenly get many ideas. Things I wanted to do that day, but just couldn’t. So I start to do them in my head, plan them for tomorrow. And before I know it, it’s 5 in the morning, and I fall finally asleep, exhausted: a vicious circle.
Feeling useless

In the past, when I had short (1-2 weeks) ADHD or stressed episodes (without even knowing this for ADHD episodes), I stayed in bed. I slept a lot, and sometimes was able to read a little. On one hand I felt like I was lazy, profiting, etc. On the other hand, I felt very tired, had hard times concentrating, and often had symptoms of a cold. Back in those days I just thought it was just that: a cold, and that I was just overdoing it a bit.

Now I know better, so no more guilty feelings. In the past, therapy told me not to stay in bed. So I have been trying to get out of bed, and do something. But alas, not being able to do anything useful the whole day doesn’t really improve my situation. Yes, I know that “therapy” prefers to fit one back into society, and society frowns up on people who stay in bed when there is “nothing wrong” with them. But does it really help? In my personal situation; the harder I force myself to do something the less I can do the next day, or even days. So I try to go with the flow: not forcing, but neither drowning.

Moreover, when I try to do something, very small things that distract me can trigger me, and result in an explosion of anger. I try to contain such feelings, but there is often a last straw. After such an explosion I feel even more exhausted, and it can affect me the next day or even days.

Concentration problems

As an IT professional I work with my head. So not being able to concentrate means I can’t work. Moreover, I can’t read, something I like to do a lot in my free time. When I have a very hard time concentrating, how I feel can be described best like not having been able to sleep for days. It’s like everything around me slows down, and I am floating in syrup.

When I have little concentration, anything that takes it away from me: sounds, visuals, even touch, I dislike, hate even. I get angry; snap.

Not being able to have fun

This is another thing that’s very hard to understand for the outside world. People often think that stress or depression is feeling sad because your cat died 3 days ago. Moreover, that you are exaggerating it, and enjoying time off, and of course attention to the max.

Sadly, one of the big disadvantages of feeling like this is: there is (almost) no fun anymore.

In my case: things I love to do normally don’t “work” anymore. I can’t do them because I can’t concentrate. But even harder, I can’t enjoy things anymore since it’s like there is a huge wall between me and fun.
I can watch a funny movie, but feel nothing. The fun can’t reach me.

Not being able to have fun creates two problems: I feel envious because other people are having it, and I can’t join. The latter means that if friends, or my partner want to go somewhere, I feel as though I have to explain that I don’t feel ok. I know that when I go I will feel worse, because I don’t experience the fun. When I don’t understand this, I push myself harder, and that hurts me, and I get angry.

Lately it seems as if the only emotions I can feel are negative ones, and feeling those are better than feeling nothing at all.

Irritable: coping mechanisms

Below I give a short list of things I will try to do.

• Talk about it
• Apologize afterwards
• Avoid certain situations

Talk about it

This is my way of trying to explain the people who are close to me that I can snap very easy at times. I often try to illustrate it by saying: what would you do if tonight at 4 I throw ice cold water over you when you sleep. People who are close to me often understand this, since they know that I am usually very easy going.

Of course there are people who don’t understand, sometimes because they have no experience with it, and try to extrapolate what they would do in my situation based on their feelings and experiences. So sadly, they quickly draw the conclusion that I play the role of the victim, want attention, or profit from my ADHD in some way.

One thing I learned very fast at the beginning of understanding my ADHD: you will lose a lot of friends. Yes, I still call them friends, not “friends”. Since in my opinion they can’t blame me for my shortcomings, hence I can’t blame them for theirs.

So when I have tried to explain things and people don’t understand, I give up, instead of creating a new conflict every time, and feeling bad for one or several days afterwards.

And in those cases people try to understand my situation, the following two items help.

Apologize afterwards

Even though I often have a good reason, from my point of view, to snap, I understand that this reason is not obvious at all for other people, so I try to apologize afterwards. Sometimes this takes some time, but I have learned that apologizing has several benefits, so I do it, even if it’s afterwards, or late.

One benefit is that I get what happened out of my mind, give it a place. Otherwise it keeps running around in circles in my head, I keep thinking about what I could have done to avoid it, and how to do better next time. Saying sorry, and creating room for talk does help. Another benefit is that I show to other people that I am aware that something went wrong, and that it was not something I liked.

Avoid certain situations

Some situations can be avoided. Sometimes in an argument it’s better to say: ok, I don’t want to talk about it now, we talk about it later. Or just: I am too angry now to think, so I go out for a short walk to clear my mind. In the beginning this might look like defeat, like losing, admitting being wrong. But ending up in a fight, and feeling worse for days afterwards is to me really losing.

Conslusion

I am having a B12 injection today, so I am sure that this will improve my mood.

I know that I have not been easy to be around lately, and I really feel for those around me.
I know that I have been alot of very hard work, and I appreciate your patience.

Allowing things around me to upset me just makes the situation worse - I have to take responsibility for my mood and my actions.

Here are 7 types of people you’ll find inside Starbucks that are guaranteed to annoy the shit out of you.

7. Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of shit in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your asshole after defecating.

6. Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office

Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. “Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?” And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it’s going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his coffee-harvesting burro.

5. The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer

Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles). Their next step is to make sure they’re facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!

4. Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker

At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But since they don’t pay shit, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin’ dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your overpriced chai in peace, you have to deal with: “Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Anyway, I’ll get this chai order right up for you. What’s your name? Terry? That’s my cousin’s name! Small world. Yes. It. Is. Small world indeed….Hi! And how are you doing today?!?!”

3. Complicated Order Guy Who Needs his Coffee Right The F*&K Now.

When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam” and then stand in front of the pick up window and pace like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls watching Vick pull out the rape stand after losing a fight, you just grab a glass of god damn water and drink that. Last I checked that won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety… unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana.

2. The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day

Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally “doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown.” But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. “Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? Yeah, it’s one of the last mom and pop coffee shops in the area. I toooootally love that place. It’s so real. I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I mean, the rich get richer, right? That’s the law of the land. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you. They’re everywhere. Can you hand me one of those Splenda?”

1. Study Groups

Hey, screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to go to an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every fucking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over a frappucino being made. If you could, would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.

As some of you may know, we have had some really nice weather this week, and I have tried very hard to relish every minute of it.

Me and my friend Emma decided to spend Wednesday afternoon sipping a few beverages in a beer garden, watching the meffs go by, and taking in the sun - I proceeded to catch a bit more that I wanted, but as you can see from the photo, it was not as bad as I thought it would be:

Against everything that I have learned from Heather, I am tempted to get some sun this summer.

I ask you my readers, do you prefer Pale on Sunkissed - and why?

Being unemployed has some upside, it allows me some time to contemplate things in the past, present, and future, and the opportunity to evaluate everything around me.

As I sit here in Starbucks, on my own with my Oprah magazine (I know that admitting that I read such a publication by the female incarnate of satan will make you all cringe - but it makes me feel that little closer to home), I notice a woman at a table nearby reading a magazine, and on her own as well.

She is much older than me, well dressed, pretty even. I wonder if, like me, she feels lonely in this shopping centre full of people. Is she single? kids? Does she have a career that is fulfilling?

I wonder if I am staring at my future. She looks content, so maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.

As a child, we are taught that you must get married, have kids, buy a house, drive 2 cars and all of that - but are those things really that important?

I have come to the realisation that no, they are not, and life is too short to adhere to some bullshit that society dictates.

I am happy being single, being independent, and having my own opinions, and I will be damned if I am ever repressed by anyone again.

If society doesn’t like it, tough.

As someone who has ADD/ADHD, poor impulse control is something that I struggle with on a daily basis, and causes numerous issues with communication.

To add fuel to the fire, people who have ADD/ADHD tend to intterupt conversations, and even change the subject, much to the irritance of those around them.

Here is an example:

A few years ago, I went on a road trip with a friend through the countryside. Since he was doing the driving, I had the opportunity to just sit, enjoy the scenery, and have conversation.

My friend was talking to me about his new job, and issues he was having settling in and worries about his performance - something that was very important to him. In fact, one of the reasons we went on this trip was to discuss the things going on with each other, and me being a passenger would allow me to concentrate on the conversation (nice theory).

Suddenly, I stated “excuse me a moment, did you see that old car over there?”. He said “What are you on about” and gave me an evil look.

I said “I was talking about that car that we passed - did you see it - it was an old American Mustang”.

The next thing I knew, my friend was upset. “Haven’t you been listening to what I was saying?” he asked. “You know how hard it is for me to talk about these things, and now you are not even paying attention. That has really wound me up!”.

I said “Of course I was listening”. Sheesh, what was his problem? After all, I did say excuse me.

But to my mate, it was exactly like I had butted into the conversation. Here he was talking about something very important to him, and since I am a friend who sincerely cares about him, I should not have interuppted while he was telling me about his deepest darkest fears.

Often, people with ADD/ADHD will interupt communication with their friends or partner by saying “excuse me, I don’t mean to interupr the conversation, but…” and then change the subject completly.

To the person with ADD/ADHD, this is perfectly valid. It is not an attempt at being rude, even though it certainly feels that way to those around them.

What is happening is that AT THAT VERY MOMENT is that the ADD/ADHD person gets a thought in their head. They feel a TREMENDOUS amount of pressue to get this thought into the conversation. So they butt in, albeit politely. We sometimes assume that if we ask politely, those around us will not have a problem with this. I have to often remind myself that people do.

What is taking place in the mind of the ADD/ADHD person when this happens?

People with a hyperactive/impulsive ADD/ADHD have a brain that races a million miles a minute. It is constantly rushing from one thought to the next - one of the pluses and drawbacks of having ADD/ADHD.

In conversation, if something is said that sparks another, seemingly unrelated, thought in their mind, THAT thought will catch their attention. But because our minds rush around so fast, we also know that the new thought may only stay in our minds for a split second. We believe that it’s important information to give you even though it may totally be unrelated to what we may be talking about. Fearful that this important thought may be lost forever in the ever-rushing flood of other thoughts, we blurt out, as politely as we can in the intensity of the moment “excuse me, I don’t mean to change the subject but…” - and in that instant we a re off and running. We are afraid that if we don’t say it THAT INSTANT that it will be gone forever.

All of this makes sense as to why there is so much intensity in our conversations. We do not intend to sabotage other people’s sense of significance, and this is something I personally struggle with.

If you could imagine that you were a “prisoner of the moment” and had something incredibly important to say and had to say it NOW, and you could not, you could start to understand what this is like for some of us.

When people with ADD/ADHD are forced to wait for their turn in conversation, and wait, and wait, and wait, we feel like we are insignificant.

One method that I use to control this behaviour in meetings is to take a notepad and pen and take notes. This way, when one of those wonderful rushing thoughts comes in, I can jot it down and wait for the appropriate time to speak.

I would love to hear about any coping methods that others have in regards to this.

One way that people with ADD/ADHD try to show our partners how much we love them is by finishing their sentences for them. That is a whole other kettle of fish, but I will get around to it - eventually!

/end swoon

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